Your mouth is God's brothel.
time to smoke my breakfast
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
