I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
