Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
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