While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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