dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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