sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
