my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
