I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
