My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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