I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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