i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
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