I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
