my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
FUCK WHALES
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
