I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
