Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
