I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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