Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
