The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
