last night i got mauled by 2 gay men who were trying to make each other jealous by making the other think they could swing back- you're going to love atl
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
