the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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