I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Randomize
