I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
