I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
