There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
