i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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