Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
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