I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Randomize
