so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
