is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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