I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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