On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
