Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
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