I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
Randomize
