You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
