birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Randomize
