I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize