I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
