mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
