So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
