Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
