Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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