Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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