rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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