cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
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