I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
