Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize