I skipped work to stalk him.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Randomize
