i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
