she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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