mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
we're making bets on your personal life
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
