we're chasing vodka with high fives
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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