why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
