Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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