so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Randomize
