i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
